Have you ever met someone who prides themselves on the fact that they "don't care"? Have you noticed that those same people are always the victim of their own decisions?
This is no coincidence and as someone who has been that person, here's my perspective on it:
When we experience pain, whether that be externally or internally, a lot of us have been taught that the way to deal with this is to harden our hearts. When we blame ourselves for experiencing pain we are telling ourselves "If you never had expectations or needs then you wouldn't be hurt" . How can we reframe that to find liberation in pain? Let's face it, every human has needs and expectations. We cannot flourish in any relationship where pain isn't allowed to be expressed, that includes the relationship you have to yourself.
When we close our hearts, we close our minds as well. Everything is a red flag, and we put ourselves in a constant state of panic. When we close our hearts we are unable to trust. Let's apply this to a real world situation:
Jerry is in love with Cam. Jerry has never felt this was before with anyone before. This is a big risk of vulnerability for Jerry. Cam makes the mistake of not telling Jerry they are going to stay over a friends house. This triggers Jerry's abandonment wounds and trust issues. Instead of communicating to Cam how he feels, Jerry takes this as confirmation for why he should not open up. Jerry becomes cold and distant and when Cam asks "hey did I upset you by forgetting to tell you?" Jerry responds " No, its fine. I don't care". Now if Cam does it again, Jerry has binded himself to his "I don't care" and won't be able to effectively communicate how he feels without going back on his word. He has subconsciously set the expectation for Cam that if he does this, Jerry won't care.
Not only does this cause a strain on the integrity of their relationship but cancels out the ability to trust. The more vulnerable we are, the more we feel the scary weight of being hurt. But, being closed off does not save us from pain, it normalizes the constant state of pain so that it doesn't hurt "as much" when it comes. This is also not true. Pain, like love, cannot be quantified. In this situation, since Jerry is scared of the vulnerability that comes with expressing his emotions, he closes himself off by saying " I don't care" which really just crosses his own boundaries. Instead of closing ourselves off to life because we are scared of being misunderstood, let's focus on how we can embrace pain when it comes and simultaneously know that we are loved.
If you never care you will never be fufilled externally or internally. Caring is what guides us toward what we like and what we don't. If you "don't care" you will never experience the fullness of yourself. You have to care! It's your life! If you don't care, who will?
I implore you to care today. Care so much that it's embarrassing, care so much that you find exactly what you're looking for and what you're not. I dare you!
Reflective Questions:
How can you show love to yourself the next time you experience pain?
2. Have you allowed someone to cross your boundary because you convinced yourself that you "didn't care?
3. Has not caring ever made you more connected to yourself or others?
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